The Getaway Scene

This is the second part of a two part assignment I did for my creative writing course.  The first part involved writing a witness statement for a road traffic accident where there was a fatality.  This part involved writing a getaway scene that a novelist had written based on the witness statement.

I got a really good score for this assignment, but my tutor commented that I had used *** too much throughout.  So in terms of feedback I would like to know other ways in which I can switch scenes / people (I hope that makes sense!)

Stephen finished washing the red mini-cooper and rinsed off the last few traces of bubbles. He stood back and gave it the once over. He smiled and thought to himself that today was going to be a good day, perhaps the best day of his life. He went back into the house to collect his things.

***

The lady behind the counter froze like a rabbit caught in headlights. Her eyes wide with fear. Her body was trembling all over. She didn’t dare move a muscle. The man in the mask had a gun pointed at her head. Her colleague in the back room was hiding behind a filing cabinet, the masked man had not realised he was there. His eyes flitted back and forth towards the secret alarm button and he wondered to himself whether or not he should risk trying to get to it.

***

Eddie kept the car rolling over outside. He was starting to get nervous. Lance was taking far too long. This was his first driver job and he had expressed his concern with the boss about his lack of experience. He was told to do it or die. So he did it. He had meant to test out the getaway route a few days earlier but hadn’t had the time, he hoped that wouldn’t be a mistake he would come to regret.

***

I had the woman’s attention now and I was confident that she wouldn’t try anything stupid. I ushered her with the gun to open the glass cabinets using the keys and instructed her to place all the jewellery into the bags. She was compliant. I was starting to get nervous as she was taking her time, so I pressed the gun harder to her face and told her to get moving. Out of the corner of my eye I saw a movement from the back room and moments later an alarm was blaring deafeningly. The woman screamed and ducked to the floor and curled up into the foetal position. It was time to go. I zipped up the bag and headed to the car.

***

Stephen carried the car seat out and secured it in the car. He couldn’t contain the grin on his face, he was smiling from ear to ear. There was absolutely nothing which could spoil his day today.

***

By the time I got to the car Eddie was already revving the engine and starting to pull out. I jumped in the car, placed the bag by my feet, buckled my belt and we reversed out in a hurry. Eddie swerved through the traffic navigating the roads with ease. Thank God he’d tested out the route a few days before.

***

Stephen pulled the mini-cooper out of the driveway. He could barely contain his excitement. He was on his way to the hospital to pick up his wife and their newborn baby girl. He kept checking the rear view mirror, looking at the car seat. 

***

Eddie began to panic and pointed up ahead. I looked up and saw temporary traffic lights. The lights were red. I could hear police sirens in the distance. Eddie began to slow down. 

“What are you doing, Eddie?” I shouted. “We can’t stop here, keep going!” 

Eddie slammed his foot down and the tyres screeched, the wheels spinning beneath us. He swerved round the corner. I closed my eyes and held on for dear life. I don’t know what happened next but when I came to, I had a face full of air bag.

***

Stephen looked ahead at the road, and in wide-eyed horror he slammed on his brakes. But there was nothing he could do. He thought of his wife and baby girl.

***

I slapped Eddie, he was okay. I grabbed the bag and told him to get out of the car. He was complaining that his head was hurt. I pulled him to the side of the road. There was blood in my eyes, my nose was broken so I took off the balaclava to wipe them. I looked around. A blonde girl was staring straight at me, she was on her mobile and she had seen my face. I made a mental note to come back and deal with her later. I grabbed Eddie and ran off down the alleyway towards the train station. I would need to call my contact.

6 thoughts on “The Getaway Scene

  1. It was a great story but it did kind of jump around a lot. When I’m switching perspectives when writing, I’ll sometimes put the name of the character and then write the paragraph. Or, you can use a specific font for each character.
    Hope that helps!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I like it a lot. Changing of perspectives didn’t bother me. It was like playing with puzzles trying to get the whole picture. Also, it adds to the dynamic, dramatic effect. You could probably be more conventional and use expressions such us “at the same moment”, “while” etc. to connect the paragraphs. However, I think that fragmentary is good in the context of events such as robbery or accident. It is more modern this way.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks. I did it this way to create suspense and tension so i’m glad that came through. It is a bit jumpy though but I think that is more to do with each paragraph being short and concise. If the paragraphs were longer with more detail it may have worked better. It’s just hard to do in a short space of time as this was a timed assignment.

      Liked by 2 people

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